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This morning I received an e-mail from one of the guys who is going through what has been a truly productive Ten-Plus program. That message started such an interesting discussion that I had to share the details with you. Basically, my friend Jeff has been discovering more and more of his own natural attractiveness to women and in turn becoming WAY bolder in his interactions with them.
This is a great thing, of course. I’ve lost count of how many guys I’ve talked to for whom THE major issue is simply RECOGNIZING and BELIEVING that more women are already attracted to them than they think. They just need to be confident of that, and LEAD. You know, as in “Relax and have fun…the girls love you.” Well, in Jeff’s case he has already gotten to the where he is approaching women and confidently starting conversations. And he’s MUCH better at figuring out when they’re attracted.
The next step, logically, is now cutting out any semblance of “settling” and only filling his dating life with the women he REALLY feels strong attraction toward. Invariably, this means giving certain women the “just be friends talk” or, as was the case this past weekend for Jeff, telling a woman things just aren’t going to work out-friend or otherwise. Unfortunately, Jeff did make a rather crucial error in judgment. He updated his status on Facebook with “Just broke things off with her…looking forward to what’s next.” Suffice it to say one must NEVER, EVER hang one’s dirty laundry out on Facebook or Twitter. You’ve got to remember that literally EVERYONE can (and will) see what you’ve written. Seriously, if you’ve ever wondered if anyone really reads your social media missives, all it takes is posting the WRONG one to give you a lightning-fast reality check.
So, guess what? One of Jeff’s female friends from back in high school took the liberty of writing him and letting him know what she thought of his “update”. Taking a good four or five solid paragraphs to make her case, said former female classmate proceeded to tell Jeff about how “insensitive” he has always been, leading women on only to leave them hanging. She told him he was basically self-absorbed and narcissistic, unable to tell when a decent woman was in front of him. And, of course, she was sure to throw in the inevitable zinger about how Jeff was clearly still too “picky”, and how being “such a perfectionist” was all but certain to guarantee that he’d probably die alone someday. Pretty heavy stuff for someone who hasn’t been heard from for a decade, right?
Well, in Jeff’s email to me he reprinted the Facebook message from his high school friend and told me he was “pretty devastated” about it. From his perspective, the message represented how he “still had a lot to learn” about relating to women, managing relationships, and-yes-even being a decent guy. But all I saw was PROGRESS. I saw the difference between a guy who was BLIND to the attraction he had sparked in girls back in high school and the “new look” Jeff who was now in control of his dating life. The key here is that when YOU are calling the shots, there are going to be women who AREN’T HAPPY with your decisions. Recognize that this is a CLEAR SIGN that YOU are a CHOOSER instead of a CHASER. Perhaps ironically, if you chronically “fail to deploy” and never ask any women out, you’re STILL a CHOOSER. “No decision” is still a decision. It’s certainly NOT chasing.
That was the “choice” Jeff had made throughout high school. But on the other end of the spectrum, with all the variations of “chasing” women by seeking their approval, putting them on a pedestal, etc. in between, is the guy who BOLDLY ENGAGES women and STILL calls the shots. Amazingly, whichever of the two styles of “choosing” you’re currently engaging in, you’re DISAPPOINTING women. One way or the other. ANY TIME there’s a particular woman who wants a romantic relationship with you and DOESN’T GET IT, there’s disappointment. The fact that some women may be disappointed sucks, but that’s just the way the ball bounces when you finally stop being the one who women “dump” and start CHOOSING.
Think of it this way, if you’ve ever seen the (hilarious) movie Fear Of The Black Hat, you’re probably familiar with this line: “The difference between a [be-otch] and a ho, is that the [be-otch sleeps with] everyone BUT you. Hello…everyone is human here. And just like YOUR attraction can quickly turn negative when YOU feel rejected, women are no different. Isn’t amazing how STRONG positive emotion can be flipped over suddenly with equally NEGATIVE strength? Well, when you are making the decisions about who stays and who goes in your dating life, the truth is you’ve just got to be ready for that. You’ve still got to make the HARD CHOICES.
You’ll want to be as respectful as you are direct when calling things off with a woman (e.g. “I don’t think we’re a match, and there’s another guy out there who will appreciate you more than I ever could.), but you’ve still got to endure that unpleasant moment for the overall good. Otherwise, well…you “settle”. And we talked about that last time.
===ANGRY MESSAGES TO I/Js===
Here’s a caveat though. Not ALL angry messages from women are rooted in DISAPPOINTMENT, per se. If you lie, cheat or play games with women in a manner that disrespects them, you may encounter flat-out anger and resentment. If, in fact, THAT’S the kind of angry emails and phone calls you are getting then you’ve got to check yourself. After all, we don’t need any more guys on this planet LEADING in a manner that causes more and more perfectly decent women to become jaded and bitter towards men, do we?
The first of two simple metrics I would use to measure whether a guy has been an I/J (idiot/jerk) to women as opposed to disappointing her is this: Is the message written TO you or AT you? A woman who is DISAPPOINTED because she wishes things would have turned out better will be angry because you didn’t choose her. So generally, she’ll rant about your poor decision making skills, “cluelessness” about “knowing a great woman when you see her”, chide you for “wasting her time”, and likely take a decidedly sarcastic tone in “wishing you luck at finding someone better”.
Contrast that with a woman who sends you an itemized list of every reason why you’re the nastiest, slimiest, most evil sleazeball west of the Pecos. The personal attacks on your character are a sign you may have pegged the rev limiter on the jerk-o-meter. Ouch.
Ultimately, though, women who really think your flat-out evil are equally likely to just slam the door (or the phone) and never friggin’ talk to you again. So you’ve got to have a read on a particular woman’s personality type here. Since we’re all individuals, you my occasionally encounter a disgruntled woman who calls you names and stuff even when she’s VERY disappointed you no longer have romantic intentions.
Remember this saying from 17th century poet William Congreve: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” Yeah, well, look up “scorned” and get the nuances of the word and you’ll suddenly realize just how profound a thought that was. Bill clearly had some experience with women.
So the second yardstick by which I would measure where a woman’s sourcing her anger from would be this: The more she writes, the more she cares. The longer the rant, the more emotion she had invested…and perhaps the more she wishes things had worked out more favorably. Take those two ideas and consider them as you hold an angry message from a woman up to the light.
write by Orborne