10 Chick Flicks to Avoid (Or Indulge Your Tears)

It’s happened to us all. You’re innocently flipping through channels on a quiet Saturday, choking down the tears that threaten to spontaneously bubble up and disturb the calm you’ve worked so hard to maintain and… there it is. The movie. You know it by heart. It’s the one that can turn you from a respectable adult to a blubbering moron that allows your thumb to hover over your ex’s name on your phone as you contemplate “what it all means”. These are the MOVIES TO AVOID, or if you have a masochistic flair, the movies to plant yourself on the couch to watch while donned in stretchy sweatpants and armored with a box of Kleenex.

10. When Harry Met Sally

Not only will this movie steadily turn your heart into hopeless mush, but it can become quite messy for your newly single personal life. The lead characters are best friends that fall in love. Beware. Do not concoct a fairy tale alternate universe where this is your life. This will not happen to you. No matter how many times you look at your best friend with hope that you’ll end up married in a perfect union and those jerks were all around to “teach you how to love him”, you’re projecting. You’re not Harry. You’re not Sally. Move on.

9. Closer

Pure emotional hell. Within 15 minutes of the opening scenes, a wounded heart will merely break apart, just as your tear ducts and composure will, as well. Each biting word of the breakups and makeups sting, especially if your relationship ended because of an infidelity. “I would have loved you forever…” — you know you’ve thought it, wanted to scream it, perhaps even carve it into the side of their car. Proceed with caution.

8. Chasing Amy

Although there is enough humor in this movie to salve your soul, the romantically charged scenes will cause you to run to the bathroom and contemplate how much dental floss you’d need to hang yourself from the shower curtain. This scene, along with many others, is exactly what every little girl dreams of being told, in the rain, by a handsome Ben Affleck look-a-like.

7. New Moon

Where to start? If you’re upset about losing someone, Bella Swan from the Twilight series is not the person to go to for solace. Never have I met a more indulgent and meek character. Her life comes to a complete stop without her beloved Edward. Her happiness, personality, goals, drive, etc — all of it is extinguished when he vacates her life. This is not a good example to live your life by. Not even a sparkling immortal is worth putting your life on hold for.

6. A Walk to Remember

This movie is pure romance. How many guys (the hottest and most popular guy at school, at that) have you ever known that would love a dying girl and make every one of her last wishes come true? Probably none. That’s why you’re still single. This will remind you of that. Run the other direction.

5. Garden State

Despite the stellar cast, excellent music, and incredible depth to the characters, this movie should be avoided like the plague. You’ll lay there on the couch sobbing, wondering why no one has ever chased after you in an airport, declaring their love.

4. Love, Actually

The title says it all. You have foreign love, elementary school love, biracial love, secret love, pornographic love… I could keep going. If you want to surround yourself by the one thing you lack, go for it. Oh, don’t forget, this takes place during Christmas, so the characters are surrounded by happiness, carols, presents, snow, twinkly lights… all those warm fuzzy things that really twist the knife in you.

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

A brilliant concept, right? Erase the memories you shared with your ex and all pain is resolved. Wrong. Especially for the audience. As you watch the characters remember each idiosyncrasy and small detail that made them fall helplessly in love with one other, you can’t help but recall all the minute details of your ex that made your heart skip beats. The mix-matched socks? The way they chew their food loudly? The fact that they don’t know how to turn off a light… EVER? You’ll begin to miss all those things that you once hated.

2. Good Will Hunting

Indisputably one of the best movies of all time, but unfortunately, not the best if you are still licking your wounds. Since we’ve all dated the immature and emotionally unavailable young man who is too stunted to even admit that feelings exist, this one will drudge up all those suppressed memories, regrets, and resentments. You’ll find yourself wallowing in the memory of how fear once dominated your life and wonder why you put up with someone who “put their shit on you” for so long. Best to steer clear of this film, even though Matt Damon’s abs may help distract you from your tears.

1. The Notebook

Does this even need an explanation? The movie can resolve you to a salty wet puddle on the best of days. DO NOT, I repeat, do not even attempt to let this stream on ABC Family, TBS, Bravo, or any one of the 30 channels that play it every Saturday night.

write by Mabel